Happy birthday sweetheart! 6 is a big year – you started kindergarten and you are so good at the big sister thing we got you ANOTHER little sister!
I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you every day. You are a smart, adventurous, curious, compassionate and loving little girl. I say little even though you really aren’t little anymore.
Each birthday for you is so, so happy for me and daddy, but also a bit sad. You are our little peanut butter. You made us parents, and as you get older there is less and less of baby Maeve and more and more of grown-up Maeve. Sometimes we’d just like to slow things down a bit, have you be our baby a little longer, but that isn’t how it works. And so we watch you grow up, get bigger and stronger and we get prouder and prouder with every day that goes by.
I feel sometimes like you and I grew up together. I didn’t so much know what I was doing when you were born and the first couple of months were tough as we figured each other out. You looked so wise with those deep blue-grey eyes, like you knew exactly what was going on and were disappointed to have gotten a dud of a mother in the parent lottery. But we stuck with it, and six years later I am so, so happy that you are my daughter and I am your mother.
When parents talk about having babies they always speak about how unprepared they were for just how much they would love their child. Like floodgates of love opened that they didn’t even know existed. I felt, and feel, that too for you and your sisters. But what I was truly unprepared for is how much you would love me in return. How you’d bring me apples when I was sick from being pregnant with your sisters. How you give me hugs when you know I’m feeling down. How you crawl into bed with us some nights and snuggle up close (no matter what daddy says, don’t ever stop doing that please!). How you draw me beautiful pictures of rainbows where red is the biggest stripe because you know it is my favorite color.
You have an extraordinary capacity to give, and I’ve found in life that it is by giving that you let yourself receive in return what you need- compassion, love, chocolate. You can give too much- it does happen- but you’ll find the universe will come back around and make it right somehow. Just know how much we love you, how proud we are of you, how we are here for you every step of the way as you keep growing up into the remarkable person I already see inside of you.
Happy Birthday baby girl! Now go eat a cupcake!
“The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself.”
― Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband
What is it about parenthood that automatically makes strangers get involved in your business? I am not immune from this impulse- I see some cutie patootie stealing his third sample of dairy-free ice cream (ice soy? IDK) at Trader Joe’s and I’m all “how old is he? Has he gotten into Harvard yet? You should definitely get extra long sheets for the dorms. Have a great day!”
I don’t find the general chit chat about kids to be annoying- where I live I think the kid to adult ratio is about 142:1. You can’t sneeze without 987 parents handing you a bottle of hand sanitizer. I like when people talk to me about my kids, or even better when they talk TO my kids. You’ve never seen a prouder girl than when a lady at Starbucks quizzed Maeve all about her new baby sister, or when the dude at Chipotle spent like an hour discussing the pros and cons of flying as a superpower with Bridget (she is not impressed by it and prefers something called “pink superpower!” I’ll get back to you when i figure it out). And yes, I can hear you silently judging the businesses I patronize. Sometimes mommy needs a peppermint mocha with her burrito and Joe’s O’s, okay??
The one thing I cannot stand, though, is advice.
Advice from strangers is never advice. It is judgment. Pure, stone cold judgment. To quote from the philosopher Jerry Springer, “you don’t know me!”. Advice is given amongst friends, after synthesizing the facts of the case and intimate knowledge of the person or persons involved, preferably with two to three glasses of a good Argentinian Malbec mixed in for good measure. And as a rule, advice is never offered without a request for it. What strangers say to you is a reflection of their own issues, and you dear, are the mirror.
Forthwith, I share with you the greatest pieces of judgment I have ever received:
“Your daughter’s shoes are on the wrong feet.”
So that’s not really advice, it’s a statement of fact. And it is true 98% of the time. You know why? Allow Monsieur Louis de CK to explain:
She finally put her shoes on. 20 minutes after I told her we needed to go pick up milk. Yes they are on the wrong feet. I do not give a fuck. But thank you.
“Um, your daughter is eating rice off of the table. Shouldn’t you put a napkin down or something?.”
This one almost sent me into premature labor. One, it was said to me by an obviously childless 20-something who I could tell felt she was doing a true public service because she stopped to take her iPhone ear bud out (just one! don’t want to totally lose the T-Pain!) to share her nugget of wisdom. Two, raise your hand if you’d be pleased that your kid was actually EATING DINNER and it wasn’t something that had previously been on the floor. I see you! Three, she interrupted a very lively game of I Spy that I was playing with my other daughter. To inform me that my three year old was actually eating her dinner. Quietly. Off of a table top. That I cleaned with a baby wipe before we sat down. I should also note that these were little errant, escapee pieces of rice, not whole bowl of rice that I dumped I front of her like Alpo.
When I just went “oh, thanks” and made a face that did not correspond to the word “thanks” she replied “well I thought you’d want to know”, gave me an eye-roll, put her earbud back in and proceeded to order her burrito. I hope she ordered pinto beans before they were vegan and only just found out she ate two pounds of bacon.
“That baby really should have a hat on.”
I know what you’re thinking: Siobhan, it is almost December. Your baby really should have a hat on. But this was August. In the refrigerated section of the grocery store. Where we were for a total of nine seconds.
Sigh. “I don’t know why so many mothers use pacifiers these days.”
I can’t place this one. I was in line at Target, maybe? This was a good one because Maeve was about three weeks old and I was just emerging from a nightmare breast feeding experience and was told by my pediatrician to use a pacifier because the child was literally destroying a key piece of my anatomy. Also, note the passive-aggressive tone. I REALLY wanted to smile and say sweetly “it’s because she’s practically gnawed my nipple off, here, let me show you!” But instead I just said “if you’re willing to be up with her all night and half the day you are more than welcome to come to my house.” She switched lanes.
I’d feel differently if I thought these folks genuinely believed they were being helpful. But they knew they weren’t, they were just using me to make themselves feel superior. I’m grateful for people who point out that the baby just lost a sock or Bridget dropped a crayon. Those are helpful, actionable things to do for another person. Imparting what you feel is your wisdom to someone who did not ask for it and whom you subjectively decided needs it, is not.
So the next time someone tries to give you parenting advice, just ignore what they are saying. You’re doing your thing, the best way you know how to do it, and you are rocking it.
But that’s just my advice.
"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch." -W.C. Fields
(Totally inappropriate I know, but it made me laugh so there).
My oldest started kindergarten last week and all went well, with the exception of what will heretofore be known as The Lunch Incident. Little Miss was sent to school on her second day with macaroni and cheese, carrot sticks, iced tea and a bag of cookies. For some reason she had been fighting me about the mac and cheese, even though it is the kind she likes. But I have a mealtime rule (a combination of "you get what you get" and "this is a house, not a diner") so she was sent with it and that was that.
When I picked her up from the bus she said she had a great day and we walked home as she talked about art class. We got home, she went to play with her sister and I unpacked her backpack to clean her lunch box. When I opened it, it was untouched. Even the cookies. I called her into the kitchen and she stood there, grinning, while she declared that she had pancakes for lunch mommy!
I almost stroked out with rage. There's no money in her lunch account. She had clearly been sent with lunch. I have no idea how she paid for and actually obtained the school's hot lunch. I still can't believe she was wily enough to get what she wanted (but given that she is MY child, I should have known better). And now I have a raging insecurity complex about what food I'm sending with her. I'm not a great or original cook to begin with (see my Sense Memory post on the subject) and I was terrible at providing lunches at her previous daycare. I sent peanut butter and jelly without thinking about it (thank goodness no one in her class was allergic). I would pack those Gerber raviolis that were frankly pretty gross. I just had zero time and very little capability for that task. When both of my daughters started at a school that provided hot lunch and all snacks, drinks, etc it was a delightful moment of zen. Now I'm back to square one.
I solicited feedback from wiser parents than I on Facebook about packing easy, tasty lunches (healthy is a bonus). Things I learned:
Sandwiches are so 2007: I attribute this to the demise of PB&J as a viable school lunch. I also know that my own children don't care much for lunch meat, and I suspect other kids of the same feeling.
Variety is Key: bento-style lunches afford easy ways to portion food, and provide kids with a bit of choice. So rather than hearing "but I don't liiiiiiikkkkkeee it!" You're pretty much guaranteed that they'll eat at least one thing.
Make the Kids Do It: I like this most of all. My friend Kellianne (and others seconded) creating a snack box in the fridge filled with items like yogurt, carrot sticks, apple slices and seasonal fruits. There might be a "main course" of pasta, say, but let your kids pick and pack their two dishes and juice box or milk. Then they can't complain, they did it themselves. Use the School Lunch: you don't have to do it every day, but maybe once a week the chicken nuggets and French fries make sense as a treat and/or to save your sanity. My daughter would eat nuggets and fries every day if I let her, so I plan to use this sparingly but gratefully!
Use Leftovers: I am terrible at this. I can't tell you how many times I put away leftovers with the best of intentions and throw them out after they've festered for a week. But there's no reason spaghetti and meatballs or chicken with rice can't be lunch the next day. Which brings me to perhaps the most helpful tip of all:
Plan. Plan. Plan.: also not my strong suit. But if you can create a schedule or calendar of lunch/dinner it will maximize your grocery shopping, money and brainpower. Here is a little tool to help with putting together lunches. Choose 1 from column A, 2 from column B and a drink from Column C. Fill in with your own favorites:
Cheese, turkey and triscuits
Spaghetti with meatballs
Chicken noodle soup Macaroni and cheese Veggie pasta Hummus and chips Group B: Yogurt stick Carrots Apple slices Clementines Apple sauce pouch Cheese stick Veggie sticks Group C: Milk Juice
Here are a couple of great websites with ideas:
30 Days of Lunchbox Recipes (no repeats!): http://www.peanutblossom.com/blog/2013/08/lunchbox-recipes.html/ Laptop Lunches- Lunch gear, recipes and more: http://www.laptoplunches.com/ Easy Lunch Box Lunches- (Pinterest at your own risk!): http://pinterest.com/easylunchboxes/easy-lunch-box-lunches/
What's your strategy for tackling school lunch? Do you have any great recipes for items that can be pre-made and then packed as needed or frozen for later use? Any tips on what to avoid? I'd also love to hear what lunch boxes, thermos containers, etc you like and why! Please comment below and I will try to compile recommendations and suggestions in an accessible format.
I made a crack on Facebook today about the accidental nature of my current pregnancy. Someone commented in response “Wow. I hope your daughter never sees this”, but eventually deleted the comment. Hence the following.
Dear Baby Girl #3,
You may have heard recently that you were an accident. The word has a negative connotation to it, as it is usually preceded by qualifiers like “car”, “deadly” and “industrial”. But all it really means is an unforeseen event or circumstance. You know what else are accidents? Play-doh. Superglue. Velcro. And Post-It notes. Do you know how much the world loves Post-it notes? Before those we used to have to cut little pieces of paper and were then expected to use an entirely separate piece of tape to secure it to another surface! And people were happy with how that worked until a guy put the tape on an existing piece of paper and created a revolution. Billions of Post-its in different colors and shapes and sizes later, the world has never looked back.
You are just like that. You, my dear, are the Post-it note we didn’t even know we needed.
I wasn’t a very happy person in the months before we found out about you. I had a job I didn’t really like, I was away from your daddy and your sisters for long stretches of time, and I was just sad a lot. But daddy and I had a great vacation that made me feel much better. And after we got home I found out that you were on the way. We were really, really surprised. Like more surprised than you will be on your sixteenth birthday when you realize you aren’t getting a car.
We made plans for your big sisters- you don’t need to know the details but we were hoping for them and doing all the stuff parents are supposed to do when they want a baby (it involves wine. Lots of wine). But you, you just happened. And I was a little worried at first because I wasn’t entirely sure I could handle another baby at that moment, but I was excited too. I had left the job I didn’t like and was trying to figure out what to do next. Being pregnant with you gave me something of an excuse for a break, a breather that I needed badly and didn’t know it. You are due to arrive in 24 days as I am writing this, and I can’t explain what the last few months have been like for me. I am a different person. I am happier and healthier than I can ever recall being. I’ve gotten to hang out with your sisters, who I can officially say are awesome and extremely excited about you. Your dad likes me more. I like him more. Even the cat seems less mad at me lately.
So yes, you were an accident. A super-happy accident that I would do over again in a heartbeat. And if anyone ever gives you any grief about it, you have authorization from me to say the following:
“I am the Post-it note of accidents. Now go fuck yourself you ordinary piece of paper with no tape.”
I Love You,
Memorial Day weekend is upon us and with it the unofficial start of summer. School will be out soon, vacations are planned, sunscreen and bug spray have been stockpiled and we are awaiting the infestation of millions of cicadas. The excitement is almost palpable, etched on little faces like its Christmas Eve.
And I hate all of it. Well, not the school part.
I am a pasty-white girl with frizzy hair and the sweetest blood this side of the Mississippi. I spend summer slathering and re-slathering my skin in SPF 75 and I will still freckle. My hair will look like I stuck my finger in a socket for the next 12 weeks. Mosquitoes will flock to me like I’m a walking dessert buffet. I will spend the summer smelling of zinc oxide and DEET.
I hate sand in my shoes. I loathe getting saltwater up my nose. Chlorine turns my expensively-colored hair all sorts of hues. Shaving my legs is a chore and bikini waxes are the ultimate revenge for Eve biting that goddamn apple.
My genetic make-up was refined over a millennia in the cloudy climes of Ireland, a place where they built a temple so the sun’s rays could take the souls of the dead at the winter solstice. I therefore sweat constantly and profusely in a vain attempt to keep cool. My skin can turn pink after 15 minutes of sun exposure. My husband’s family lives near the ocean in Orange County, CA and on the occasions he brings up moving closer to them I remind him we’d have to invent a giant sunscreen bubble I could live in just to survive.
Compounding all of this is the addition of children to the equation. More sunscreen. More bug spray. Shoes and clothes and hair filled with sand. Stinky, sweaty feet. Complaints about bug bites and it being sooooo hooooottt mom….
It’s not all bad I guess. I do love thunderstorms and boardwalks at night. Barbecues and baseball games with hot dogs and a freezing cold beer are some of life’s small treasures. Well, until I try to peel myself off of the stadium seat I’ve become glued to. I like drippy cherry Popsicles and frozen lemonade and county fair funnel cake too. A cool summer evening with the breeze coming up off the ocean and a chilled glass of wine is a delight. But still.
Our air conditioning crapped out last week and we thought we might need to replace the unit, a prospect we can’t afford at the moment. The thought of spending the summer pregnant and then with a newborn in a house without AC was terrifying. Thankfully it only took a few pounds of freon and a simple repair to fix, and so I can spend the next few months holed up in comfort, Miss Havisham-style.
I look forward to autumn, my favorite season, where cool breezes replace hot winds and humidity gives way to crispness. I love warm sweaters and fuzzy slippers, tall boots and patterned tights. The smell of fireplaces in our neighborhood burning away while I sip hot cocoa and wrap myself in my favorite blanket. We’ll carve pumpkins and make pies; pick apples and start a leaf collection. Stews and hearty meals will simmer in the crockpot while the girls play outside in a bug-free yard. I get to buy brand-new school supplies for my little kindergartener and walk her to the bus stop in galoshes and light jackets.
Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Now to just get through the next three months…
So remember that grand plan I announced here two months ago about moving to Charlottesville?
Yeah, that’s not happening.
House was on the market for six weeks. In the grand scheme of things that is not a long time, but the housing market in the DC area is incredibly tight and we figured we’d have a contract in a couple of weeks. In fact we thought the house would sell too fast and we’d have to rent back for a little while until we found a place to move into. But the weeks dragged on, the strangers traipsed through our house, and none made an offer.
It is now early May. If we got a great contract tomorrow we wouldn’t close until the end of the month at the earliest, realistically mid-June. That could work, but we are rapidly coming up to the arrival of baby #3 at the end of July. The longer the house sat, the more I saw myself 9.5 months pregnant, trying to pack up our house, only to unpack days later a couple hundred miles away. And register for school. And find someone to deliver the baby. And get a pediatrician.
We lowered the price, twice, to the lowest we could accept and break even. We dangled an incentive for buyers who didn’t like our small, dated kitchen- we’d contribute some money at closing towards a renovation. We had 3 open houses and more than 40 buyers come through. Many of them liked the house, with the exception of the aforementioned kitchen and its proximity to a major road. Those are two things we can’t do anything about. Our house is gray; with pinky-raspberry colored shutters that the previous owners had thought was red but didn’t quite turn out that way. I enjoyed them- they made the place look cheery. Our realtor (and our house-painter neighbor) thought it might help if we painted them black, so we did. It didn’t.
I also can’t articulate what a pain it has been to keep the house clean when you have two kids, and the inconvenience of being kicked out of your house unexpectedly between 5-7 on a weeknight. It was starting to wear and we felt like we had used all the tools we had at our disposal. In the meantime life moved on around us- kindergarten orientation was around the corner, Bridget was given a spot at a part-time preschool, and the universe just seemed to be sending the signal that we weren’t going anywhere.
We don’t have to move, so we’ll stay. We’ll re-evaluate things next year. For now I don’t know if it’s my nesting instinct kicking in or what, but I’m taking comfort in familiarity – the same doctor and hospital that I had with Bridget, supportive neighbors and friends, Maeve going to school with the boy next door. We’re kind of relieved actually- we may not have gotten what we wanted, but maybe we got what we needed.
Except for my pink shutters. Those I want back.